As a Virgo, I feel compelled to share the 2009 retrograde dates of our ruling, bratty, little planet:

2009
January 11-February 1
May 6-May 30
September 6-September 29
December 26, 2009-January 15, 2010


And, as many Virgos are acutely aware of, it's bratty behavior is most evident a couple of days before it actually runs 'backwards' around the sun.

You can sell me all the science you want... but Mercury in retrograde is not at all fun.

-Christian

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble,

it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Well, I'm pretty much thankful that 2008 is finally over. Glad to have made it through pretty much unscathed, but also ticked at myself for acquiring or continuing some pretty awful habits.

I'm smoking, but will give it another attempt to quit come the first.

I'm so uninterested in living here that I hardly ever go out. When I do, I go to one of the casinos, plop myself in front of a machine, bingo, slot, or otherwise, and pray that the random number generators will look down upon me favorably. The other problem with this seems to be, that even if I win sometimes, I'd rather put the money back in instead of taking it home. So really, I can't win. And I know that I enjoy gambling, but I wonder if that's becoming or is a problem. I rationalize that I'm only spending $60-$100 every couple of weeks and that money could also be spent in the bars... who knows... I guess the big thing is, I still pay my bills... and once that ceases, that's when I have a problem, right?

I've been taking care of my grandparents since coming home from Idaho. And I'm of two minds on the issue. On the one side, I enjoy my grandmothers company very much. I find that the love my grandparents have for each other is very sweet. On the other side, it's very trying dealing with people who have mild to severe dementia on any given day. It bothers me that my grandmother still believes she can live on her own, and she wants to go back to Sun City West, to be among her friends. And while I realize her friendships are very important to her, they aren't the friends who will make sure they change their underwear everyday, make sure they eat three solid meals everyday, (instead of Jelly, butter, and bread everyday) and make sure they go to all their appointments (doctor or otherwise) when needed. My grandmother is a very sweet 85 year old lady, but in the last six months, a very selfish veneer has been exposing itself. And she worries more about money, of which she has plenty, and gives no mention of thanks to all the chores, bill paying, and moves (4 in the last 2 years)that our family has done for them. I see the stress in my step-fathers eyes and feel terrible for him.

Not to mention the stress he must be feeling from being a Doctor and a struggling small business owner. In my own way, I've tried alleviating that stress by making sure all the small chores are done everyday. Dishes. Washing. Grocery Shopping. I'm a maid, a babysitter, and a chauffeur. And then, at times, when I allow it to, it bothers me. But mostly I'm trying to be thankful for it... all of it. Force myself even at times, too. Which is pointless. But I'd like to think we have a family that looks after our own, and we should be thankful for each other. But that sentiment feels forced at times, too.

Then there's this business with boys... and I'm really, really, starting to feel like settling.. and settling down. Which I never felt like before. My regular has been asking for a date, like a real date, and I'm not caving in, but I am thinking about it. Plus, its hard to look pass this last summer, past Casey. Who I still adore. Who is 10 years younger. And I feel like my own selfish veneer is exposing itself, too.

But 2009 seems promising:

I'm writing a novel, next year. No bullshit. I start the first. I have a great idea. I'm doing things like writing down bits of conversations I want to use, interesting sounding names, and mapping out the neighborhood I'm writing about. It's fun, and probably a better use of time than playing computer games.

I have an appointment with a counselor at University of Phoenix. Which, I think I'm leaning towards another bachelor's degree, this time in IT, web design, or something computer related. Nursing was an epic failure... but sorry, I just can't deal with anyone elses spit, puke, gag, piss, or shit other than my own... well, and now, my grandparents. Though I still gag every time. And I've already seen one pair of 94 year old balls, and let me tell you, that was enough.


Plus, Obama.

Plus, oh, a lot of things. I just don't know it yet.


Happy New Years!

-Christian-

Here's a little sister shout out to my birthday sharer: urbanrebel!

Here's hoping the day starts out sophisticated and grand...

and ends like an episode of AbFab.

xoxo,

Christian

Just wanted to make sure that I noted in my journal, that Obama's speech this evening was in a word: perfect. And in an emotion: heart-rendering.
And in a color: bluer than blue
And in a sound: a fizz and pop of patriotic fireworks
And in a taste: more refreshing than a chilled bottle of mineral water
And in a song: Better than 'Your next bold move' by Ani Difranco
And in my gut: joyful tugs.
And in my eye: tears.
And in my heart: renewal
And in my core: hopeful.

Today I basically tied up loose ends around town. My little sister came along as I dropped by Ventana Canyon to pick up my last pay stub and return movies to friends I had borrowed over the last couple of months. I spent more in Target today, on myself, than I have since living in San Francisco. I bought two shirts (on clearance) 1 pair of shorts (clearance as well, but why call it a pair if its only one is what I would like to know) some black socks, two pairs (hello two!) of black pants, and David Sedaris' new book 'When you are engulfed in flames.' Summer reading, which seeing how its about him quitting smoking will have a dual purpose and inspire me enough to quit as well, hopefully. Though I am 'moving' for three to four months.. I highly doubt Idaho will be as condusive to quitting as Japan was for David. But I will put my best foot forward and go with it.

So the high tomorrow in Tucson will top 100, and I, of course, will be moving the rest of my stuff into storage. Completely typical, mind you, as I couldnt be more estatic to move my bed, night stand, dresser, and shit ton of clothes into storage, along with my TV and bookshelves... in the middle of the day. And even if there is a breeze, it won't be such a far cry from a hair dryer. So. Fantastic. Because my new shot hair cut will surely be drench from the sweat.

But on a brighter note, it could be the last hot day I suffer in Tucson as I will be flying to a predicted balmy 72 degrees in McCall, Idaho.. with a low of 38. And no, I don't think I could be any happier. With a layover in Vegas?! uh. SOLD.

Knowing I'll be coming back in 3-4 months has had no effect on me gutting my life once again. I've thrown out even more useless shit... mostly clothes though. Well, am planning to donate at any rate. I've erased some 30gb from my hard drive... just to make room for more adventure.. and by that I mean picutres. I put all my old pics and some porn (mostly pictures, assholes) onto dvds. I threw out all the lighters I have accumulated/pocketed over the last year minus one. The lucky ALOHA SALLY. I even went so far as to trim down my iChat/AIM. I'm unsure, but there has to be some feature that adds people to that thing automatically. I mean hotguytempe29? I didnt even have this computer when I lived in Tempe. How is that possible? MLB03? What is that? Major League Baseball? Was I trying to score with the entire 03 league? How the hell is the USA Today and WSJ make it on my AIM? When did I agree to have those two trashy papers on there? And who, pray tell, would I be chatting with? At any rate, I cut it down to four people I talk to semi-regularly, and five who I haven't seen in years on there... but would jump at the chance to say hello if they even still use it.

I'm not sure when I'll update next. Surely, I'll get some internet access at some point. And new places always inspire me to write.. so I suppose I'll be sticking with this for now. I'd like to start something new. Shed even more skin. We'll see.

_Christian_

It's been a crazy six months since my last update.. which, looking back at it, was only a sinpit of something I found on youtube that cracked me up.

Nothing cracks me up lately. This stint has run its course by six months. And I can tell you most assuredly, once I get back to San Francisco, I will never ever leave that city again.

I'm jobless. Unless of course you count what I do for my folks a job. But I quit the country club. For good reason, mind you, but a story too detailed to tell here. Suffice to say I was screwed. SCREWED. And it brought a tear to my eye thinking of all the work I've done there, just to be punished in the most unusual way for this industry, for a mistake that, honestly and objectively, was 10% my fault and 90% the managers. But I guess I have always been and will always be just a number, a raise, disposable. Because when I put in my two weeks, I did so as a last resort... and no one came to me and said they were sorry, and it wasnt my fault... they just swept me under the rug with everything else that is wrong about that place.

But, and on antoher note, this is the second time I have been fucked over by someone from Lawerence, Kanasas. And not just someone, a 'friend' of mine. I just want to go visit there and light the whole city ablaze. Or at the very least get a chemical water analysis done... just to see.

But it must be hard to see someone below you do better, have better ideas, get along better with practically everyone, and not feel threatened.

In other news. Debt is slowly going away. I should've thrown more money at it, but I've taken to gambling and it's taken to me. I only every now and then wonder if I have a problem. Like now, when I'm writing about it... I always go with the highest expectations and leave with the same results. I believe some call that repitition insanity. Or at least stupidity. But again, in my defense, its only because I'm bored in Tucson. Gay bars are lost on me these days. And not because of anything external.. my looks are hanging in there... and I've actually grown quite confident... I'm just kind of sick of the superficiality of it. It's like everyone lays down their cards. You know. Car, Job, Earnings, Earning Potentials. As if any of that is a true indication of self worth. But who knows, I suppose if I had any good cards to lay down I would ante up and see what card sharks there are in the water.


So I skip the $70-$100 I could spend at the bar and take it to the Indian Casino once or twice a week... and sit next to nice old ladies on slot machines or in the Bingo hall, and gab with them about how terrrible our luck is. Or how lucky we are for the moment. Because luck always passes. And we always wonder aloud or to ourselves when and what it would take for us to stop.

And I know my answer. And it isn't much.

xoxo.

_Christian_

Hilarious.

So even though I'm not totally into their newest CD, I think this song by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah is by far the best on the album.


"Mama, Won't You Keep Them Castles In The Air And Burning?"

Invisible like all the reasons
Dark and cold like all the seasons
Things are not as you would have them
I'm no man and you're no woman

I guess I hope to see you sometime
Though our paths will never intertwine again
I hope you notice
I'm no hare and you're no tortoise

And I'm touched by the same sad feeling of dread
Just to know that you can't wait to see me dead
An idea in your head and a compass in your hand
On a mission to a foreign land

So now I'm out for political favors
A salary that corresponds with labor
Big house and a morning paper
Good fences that make good neighbors

I'm at the end
This here my rope
Another year to write and read the book I wrote
Now dialing out
For a good time
To bathroom wall
Toss it a dime
Dead king dead swing
Ali look out!
We have new rules
To do without
You talk of Jesus
Until I'm well red
The man is
Swimming
Swimming
Swimming in my head
Why settle down?
Why even try?
Me tiger mouth
Meet bloodless eye
So drop dead stock
What fallen tree?
I leave New York
For other cities
Which let me play
With gas and fire
Took out an ad
Best friend for hire
Know that Mama told me
Never to come
But I came softly, slowly
Banging me metal drum
Like Berryman
Bed-wet poet fears
That better man drink taller beers
Like scientist
I lost my glove
To bloody fists
And harder drugs
So split the night
And we get young
Like sacred cow
Without a tongue who sang a song sing
"time does not cut deep
But cuts most absurdly....."
so la da dum

I suppose sucking dick for drugs is one thing...

but being in a diaper while doing it, and getting caught...

priceless.





NSFW, obviously. And I did warn you.

Happy Holidays.

-Christian-